“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The point of your 20s
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
what could possibly go wrong?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.