@ilovepie84: I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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@LionJenkins: Friendly advice: Don't compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT
@juliussharpe: How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won't have to wash our hands?
@d_whitehouse: Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.