I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news