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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them