I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!