@MariyaAlexander: I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@thatdutchperson: [11am] Me: oh look, it's sunny out. Me: I should go running. Me: or swimming! Me: these Doritos are delicious.