@MariyaAlexander: I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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@titanrn: Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.
@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.