I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
5 ways to appear taller
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.