Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Thinking about Jeff
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You have been warned.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.