I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross