ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The government even made aliens boring
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub