@jergarl: I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
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@freypalm: [comedy club] Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*
@whatmaddness: If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.