The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS