A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
You Might Also Like
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary