Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.