@FattMernandez: I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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@squirrel74wkgn: All these gifts today better get me laid. Wife (in a narrator's voice): ...but, then she overheard him talking...and he never did get laid.
@FrogAvalanche: -Where was I conceived, dad? Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly? Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
@djdarrellripley: Her: I noticed you're wearing one green sock, and one red sock. Me: Yea, I've got another pair just like these at home...