I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15