I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?