@Mikecanrant: I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.
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@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion] Person: "Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?" Me: "You told me to never change."
@sirmunchie: Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes "how to spell high-koo" from browser history*
@The_JRM: Dentist: Do you use your dental floss? [cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly] Me: Everyday.
@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods