I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”