My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.