I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
i have one speed and it’s mosey
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.