@TexasHickspanic: I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y'all are screwed!
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@TheCatWhisprer: If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn't wear an oven mitt to bed.
@TheBoydP: All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...
@touchmybobby: as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.