@TexasHickspanic: I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y'all are screwed!
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@hellohappy_time: Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire] Her: are you alright? Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
@Rollinintheseat: I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
@Sophie2078: Guy: I want a divorce. Me: And who are you? Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years! Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?