I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
opening twitter today
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)