I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
⛄️