I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already