I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.