*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?