ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Holy moly
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.