@juliussharpe: I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working.
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@mrsmith196645: I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
@JohnLyonTweets: Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid "falls" down a well.
@RocketRankoon: I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!