Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The only equipped I am is ill.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?