I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
nature’s most graceful animal
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Wait for it
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural