I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy