Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink