When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.