Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.