wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Bro what is this
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did