I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.