I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.