[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”