From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
January has been Januweary
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.