I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Morning.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.