@jackiembouvier: I can tell Spring is almost here because I'm on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I'd also like to plant some bulbs.
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@PerfectPending: If you've never said "I love you too" in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate bob: karen! god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
@SteveSuckington: If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body, your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.