I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Software Development ⛵️
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.