I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
How can I say no to this ?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?