@twitinfected: I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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@ryaninco: North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.
@freypalm: *montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's… right here?
@GreenSmoke_: If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.
@roostermustache: [in catholic church] Me: can i make a confession Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU