@twitinfected: I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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@ShesARealGenius: Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?" Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda." Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"
@smashbrown_: Gas prices have me feeling like I'm robbing the gas station. "Just leave, before they change their mind."
@squirrel74wkgn: If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
@priya_ebooks: currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out