I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.