@twitinfected: I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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@notalogin: *stops by new neighbor* Welcome, I brought you a cake! -Wow, thank you! You know, you didn't have to do that! Oh, ok. *walks away with cake*
@SumukhComedy: Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
@PaigeKellerman: 90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
@Livsey1: "People want to feel special.. they'll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it." - Executives at Coke