@ewfeez: I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
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@FrogAvalanche: *live news report - You survived a fall of thousands of feet... - Yes. - Parachute failed? - Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
@Snarfernini: If you ever say 'I seen' in a sentence. I will never sleep with you. Under any circumstances. Ever.* *including zombie apocalypse
@RuinMyWeek: She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many