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@Reverend_Scott: I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
@StayAwayy_: My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@CakeThrottle: If you own a small, anti-Kindle bookstore and it's not called Page Against the Machine, just give up.
@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today