*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”