Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.