@pabstdriver: I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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@tastefactory: VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him? VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
@djdarrellripley: Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...
@LoveNLunchmeat: People who say losing weight is "just math" clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.