@pabstdriver: I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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@pleatedjeans: OMINOUS CHANTING *pentagram starts to glow* YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE! *Satan tosses pillow through portal* UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
@Jake_Vig: POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.