@pabstdriver: I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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@weinerdog4life: One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV
@longwall26: The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
@McGrumpenstein: *Ancient Egypt* Me: My abacus won’t work IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird Me: Nothing IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*