@pabstdriver: I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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@Quanty_J: Me: Look. There's a deer. Hunter: Don't spook it. Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
@Jandalize: Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
@notacroc: [Preschool] Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name? [Simultaneously] Me: laser panther Wife: Jacob