I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
next level snooze
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions