@pabstdriver: I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: I hate it when you tell someone that you'll always be there for them and then they call you to help move
@kevinseccia: When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@Brianhopecomedy: *2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
@_sinistroll: WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey