I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter