@CroweJam: I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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@ConanOBrien: Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
@Midgetspar: My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."
@TylerLinkin: I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!