I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber