@karlainvt: I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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@DelanieFischer: People who don't have a name for their newborn, What the shit did you do for 9 months?
@Xalqee: "If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave" - Me getting pulled over
@Blue_Crab: My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom. I asked her what it was going to do. I'm hilarious. Everyone says so.