I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
omg leave her alone
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.