@cre8luv_4u: I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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@DaddyJew: [at daycare] Me: I'm here to pick up my son Daycare: what's he look like? Me: *points to my face* D: oh. Ok
@Reverend_Scott: [shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
@EdgarAllanLo: My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, "I hear you!" from across the house.