I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
You Might Also Like
What even happened today?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes