I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
necessity is the mother of invention
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks