I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.